Blog
The "Side Flap"
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- Created: Saturday, 03 June 2017 09:00
Here’’s a little piece of history of mine -
Uncomfortable Measure #1
I remember the first time I ever had my body fat done 27 years ago. I was all of 50 or 52 kgs
At the time the gym was holding a BodyFat testing afternoon. Nobody really did bodyfat in those day so this was a special event. A guy who I didn't know promoted a “Body fat testing appts at our gym. I made an appt and thought about it continuously not knowing what it actually was. I was scared shitless but everybody else was doing it and was assured it would help me with my competition training. So that day I were queued with the other lambs being put to the slaughter and waited for my $30.00 - 10 mins appt which ended up being about 5 mins.
I was all of 50kgs at the time so it was more of a skin test that fat test. He wrote my measurements in a book, and I was thinking that I hoped he didn't get mine mixed up with anybody else's. He phoned me (on a home phone) with the results. He told me the stats which I can't even remember, but I was in shock when he said I had to lose the bit of side fat between my boob and my arms. I was depressed for weeks and almost started wearing sleeves lol. I remember being obsessed with miracle ways to rid myself of my side flap but nothing ever worked. Oh young naive me. I wonder what he would be saying to me now, as I really do have a side flap now. 
Uncomfortable Measure #2 - I had Jordan when I was 37 years old - My 3rd child. I trained & ran and jogged/walked up until he was born, and 6 weeks later I went into the gym again. The instructor who I knew very well. grabbed me and said, “Right we are doing your body fat”. So I had this post- pregnancy flab, typical of someone having a baby 6 weeks prior and I was sick with humiliation. . Here I was, full of milk, with a flabby as tummy in this horrible tiny little room that was taking all my self respect away from me. Before walking into the office felt like Miss World cos of no longer having this huge big mass of weight inside me. However I didn't look like miss world but i definitely felt like it. Until the body fat test! I vowed to myself never to make my clients feel like that and I definitely try to keep to that.
So Ive been thinking about how intimidating the office procedure may be to some of my clients, and it made me think about what it is like to actually turn up to see us for the first time. It must be as scary as shit.
Firsty they have to walk the hall of doom. Normally I make them walk ahead of me so I can check out their bums & thighs so I can do a quick assessment on how they are looking & gauge their approximate body weight to assess the damage (haha) and the work ahead of us both.
Within minutes of meeting me they we are settled in the office. Me in my big black manager's chair and client in a little BBQ chair. Once I say we will do the weigh in, the immediate response is to ask if they can go to the toilet. They are either very bursting or think it will help the weight on the scales. Funny how often that happens and I always think, do they do this when they go to the doctors or the dentist.
Toileting completed, they then get forced to shred their clothes, & stand on the accurate scales ( everybody is convinced they are inaccurate if it is not at the weight they expected - this can differ in kgs) where I take a photo of the “”evidence””. They are then pinched and prodded on their upper body sites and then asked to remove their leggings “Please do it through my leggings they beg ?” “”Hell No, I'm here to torture you, and this is what you are paying me for.. Get them off!”
I think for them the caliper procedure must be as painful as having an IUD inserted or a baby removed with forceps. They close their eyes tight and screw up their faces, some even taking big breaths between each pinch and it's hard for me to get an accurate pinch on their slippery sweaty skin unless i coat them in Hand Sanitiser first.
*** Note to self - Remind sweaty clients to bring the following items to to all future measurements. 
But once it's done they are a little happier in themselves , fully dressed again waiting for the test results, but I see the nervousness in them and try to be very sympathetic.
I try to make this squirmy part of the procedure last a little longer for them. “Oh shit, the f….. computer just died - I just need to get the plug etc”- (60 secs torture) .
“Omg now I can’t find your folder - I'm going to have to open every other folder starting with your name ( 4.5 minutes of torture)
“”Oh I'm sorry I have to whip off to the toilet across the hall”, but I turn the light out on my way out. Sitting in darkness is even more torturous and they cannot find the light switch as it is outside..
These are some of the concerning things I have to endure while my i'm working the figures. No wonder I make so many mistakes!
Deep panting begins if it hasn't done so earlier, shallow breathes in sets of 5-6’s then a deep breath in, knuckle biting, lip biting, hair tugging, attempts to pick acrylic nails off with their remaining nails or teeth, gripping the table, mangled frantic attempts to knock out a quick text before I have finished, then once they are getting a tinsy bit settled I attemt to make this process last a little longer by making statements such as “Oh NO! - Oh ok - it could be alright - I will do it again””,
“Errgh Wow I wouldn't of expected this - hmmph””
“So you say you have been good with your food and exercise”
“”So how do you feel about your body at this certain point in time. How much do you think you should of dropped ”’
A couple of minutes of mental torture is all they need. Then the results… Starting of with the photo comparisons is good.
Front pic, Oh yes your face looks thinner
Side right Thats awesome. I can see a little more evidence of a hip bone and the side flap is a little less flappy.
Rear Shot - Umph Ok, lets compare that more in a couple of months.
Side left - Your side right flap is considerably smaller than your side left flap. We may need to work on that.
So as you can imagine, I've had girls jump up and down with excitement, high five me, kiss me ( cheek to cheek to cheek, on my nose, on the top of my head, full on the lips ) , rustle my hair, and even propose to me, cos in that split second of a good result they are the happiest girls in the universe - they have all too quickly forgotten the torture that preceded it. The fact that they worried that they weren't wearing matching lingerie, that they had 9 weeks of bikini line growth that they kept delaying getting treatment, ( don't worry I can photo-shop the fuzziness away) or the fact that they nearly died of humiliation when they turned to the rear of the wall for the “Bum Shot” otherwise know as the “Rear execution shot” for obvious reasons”.
No need to be embarrased about the time between bikini line tidy ups but do be considerate in the choice of underwear on the day of measurements!
So I can't do anything wrong when a good measurement is given and the client actually looks forward to coming back..
Then there are the clients bad results… Oh god.. I hate those days. Some weeks after a public holiday I have appt after appt with not so good results.
Obviously cos the whole 3 day weekend has destroyed their efforts over the week. I’m thinking of making a new rule -
1. No Body Comp testing the week after a public holiday, your Xmas party, your birthday,your children's birthdays, your husband's birthday, your engagement, your wedding or divorce, any anniversary, the anniversary of when you first met, got engaged,got pregnant, grandparents birthdays and anniversaries, your period week, 20th of the month when your stressed with financials. If you have any other special occasions which can cause unexplained weight loss then please notify me prior to appointment.
So anyway ladies, you can be rest assured I have your comfort at heart. And once you eventually get used to the body fat test, you may want to try a training session
Luf & muscles - Jo.
